I sat in the sonogram room nervously fidgeting, trying to remain calm.   I was slightly panicking as I hadn’t gotten my period and had 2 positive pregnancy tests weeks 7 and half weeks after my miscarriage, and if I WAS pregnant I needed to know ASAP.

She inserted the equipment and I had a flashback to the last time I had a sonogram and learned at 10 weeks pregnant, the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks.

“I don’t see anything,” said the tech,” but let me make sure. Let me turn it right an- Oh wait!”

I gasped and prepped myself for more bad news.

“yep, there’s a flicker….it’s about 4-5 weeks. Wow, that a strong for being so small”

I couldn’t believe it. I was pregnant, again….or after all? Had I not really miscarried? Would I miscarry this baby too? Is she sure? The waves of questions came at me, while the doctor entered the room and said I needed to take it easy, as I was still at risk of miscarriage.

I went home and shared the news with my husband and sister. We were all nervously happy, but cautious as our hearts were still broken.I called my regular OB/GYN and made an appointment for the following Monday.

The weekend came and both boys were simultaneously napping-a rare occurrence, so hubby and I took advantage and went to lie down. As we laid in bed for a few minutes felt a gush and warmth on the bed. We sat up to find bright red blood on our cobalt sheets.My husband helped me into the shower and cleaned my legs. I stood in shock as I watched blood continue to pour out on down the drain.

“Not again.” I said

“It’s gonna be OK” he assured me. He turned the shower off and  ran out to tell my sister we had to go to the hospital.

I threw on the clothes I left on the closet floor and walked into my bedroom. Something caught my eye: A bright red puddle around white/pink glob sat on the corner of my blue sheets. I took the sheets of the bed, crumpled them up and threw them in the corner of the room.

We got to the hospital and my husband explained what happened-the gush of blood, and the confirmed pregnancy. The doctor asked if we saw a sack, describing it as white in color and spherical. “Yes,” i said, “It was on the bed.” She said it sounded like another miscarriage.I closed my eyes during the sonogram and prepped myself for the heavy blow of bad news.

“There’s still something there. And I see a flicker. It’s small, but it’s there. ” I asked how it could be possible if I saw a sack, she said it was a twin. Probably why I was able to detect it so early.

We made it home and before I went into the bedroom I asked my husband to remove the glob of sheets. He threw them away.

After yet another trip to the ER,  my doctor said it wasn’t likely I’d carry this baby full term. There was a lot of blood/matter remaining inside from my previous miscarriage(s) and my body wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the matter and the sac, and it was highly possible I would miscarry again.

I went in for a follow up and finally heard her heart beat at 8 1/2 weeks. Through it all, she remained. My doctors were happy, but cautious as my uterus still harbored leftover blood.

The next several weeks passed with much caution. I did my best to “take it easy” with 2 rambunctious baby boys running around. At 14 weeks the doctors said thing were looking a but more hopeful, but a little, smaller red flag remained up. But she was still  holding on.

I had been walking around as the shell of myself. Cloaked in fear and caution. So I  decided it was time to shake it off, get out of the house and enjoy my kiddos out in the sun. As my dad and hubby loaded the kids into the truck, I went back into the house for sunscreen. I walked back out onto my steep driveway “Got it! Let’s go!” I yelled as I made my way down to the truck. The next second, my left foot slipped over a crack in the concrete, my leg under me, and my ankle was crushed by the rest of my body. I dislocated my ankle and broke my fibula. A compound fracture.

The paramedics were impressed with my pain tolerance but all I could think was “will my baby be ok?”‘Surgery was needed to repair the ankle. I couldn’t be put under due to the fact I was pregnant, so we decided to do a spinal-where ‘d be fully conscious during the surgery, but it was safest for the baby. I looked to the consulting OB for assurance. She said if the baby survived the surgery,  we’d make it all the way.

After a CRAZY 2 hour surgery where case me volvio loca [ nearly lost my mind] I was wheeled into recovery. An OB nurse came down and we all waited with bated breath to hear the pulse of heart beat on the portable doppler. After some swishing sounds of my intestines, came a steady bump-bump. There it was 150 hbpm. The nurses let out a sigh of relief and congratulatory laugh. Apparently word had gotten out that a complicated pregnant mama was in the OR and the nurses were crossing fingers and saying prayers (Shout out to the nurses of the world-YOU THE REAL MVPS!).

I spent the next several weeks in bed. This very likely is what saved baby girl from miscarrying. While down for the count in week 2, the bleeding suddenly stopped. And as I hobbled my way onto the bed for another sonogram, we saw a completely happy baby in a sack. No more blood.

Recovery was tough. Scooting around with one leg and prego belly was toughest. Waddling in a boot was hell.

But all of it, every single ounce of pain and fear was worth it to get my sweet angel.

I call her my “ride or die,” my sunshine, my 3rd angel.

Terca como su Mami [hard-headed like her mommy]. She is 17 lbs of chubby deliciousness.

When I miscarried, I lost my faith in God. I thought “how could God do this to me?” I was angry. I felt half full. My husband and boys filled up so much of my heart, but there was still a gaping hole. She has filled it and made me remember that God is real and hope is never lost.

You have to go through the storm, all of it, to get to the sunshine.

Happy half bday baby girl. Looks like we made it.